Agnostic
Agnostics are either normal folk who "don't know" if they believe in God or "have better things to do" than think about such matters at this point. They don't stand on any side in anything they do, so it's okay to beat them up since they can't decide whether they're angry or upset; they'll just not care. Men like Colbert can see them for what they are though: atheists without balls. Ironically, this means they're gutsy enough to realize that, someday, George W. Bush will be proven correct. Unfortunately, agnostics are genetically incapable of taking a position - on anything - except that they can not take a position and even that they still can't decide over. This makes them very unreliable during midterm elections but perfect in debates since they won't go for either side of the arguement; and yet, this means that their votes for Presidential Elections have never counted since they don't care what happens. Agnostics often try to say there's no way to attain knowledge of the supernatural using the natural or some such thing in an attempt to defend their view with, of all things, reasoned discourse. The fact that they prefer using their heads and calm words to shouting out raw emotions from the gut should tell you something about these cowards. They lack emotion and will try to give an explanation of their position in the world (which is wrong by the way) with Facts which makes them liberals and deserve to burn in hell for their indecision over life and religion. Shame. We could've used them as soldiers since they don't feel pain. Also, a majority of Agnostic people have Thanatophobia, which is the fear of death. So while we Christians are enjoying our lives, having fun, and knowing that our future is in Heaven, the Agnostic are just worrying about where their vision will go when they die. If you see a Thanatophobic Agnostic person, report him or her to a doctor immediately. Not to be confused with... Agnostics should not be confused with Meteorologists, although some of the core beleifs of the two groups are remarkably similar. Nor should Agnostics be confused with Doctors. While neither group has the balls to commit to any specific belief, Doctors are distinguished by their white coats and aura of confidence. Like Agnostics, Doctors will only admit to "practicing" rather than "knowing." Equally, although Doctors may project great confidence, they actually have less of it than Agnostics, as demonstrated by their large insurance purchases. Agnostics, on the other hand, rely solely on hope. Factoids *Mating call: "I need more data to make an informed decision!" *They believe that Athiests should calm the f*ck down and Christians to get real. Either way they've angered two big groups of people; we won't be seeing any of them anytime soon. *Defined as the most indifferent group of people who have ever walked the Earth. *Agnostics are a synonym of mindless zombies. Beliefs Due to the lack of spiritual balls, Agnostics really don't know what they believe without holding some huge conference and discussing options for hours on end. Their beliefs are the theological equivalent to a horse designed by a committee instead of an intelligently designed naked, shaved and martyred virgin beat to a bloody pulp and nailed to a cross. Afterlife The Agnostic afterlife will be an interesting concept. First they don't believe in Jesus, then they wonder if He will allow them entry into Heaven. They are most likely to live in limbo for eternity if they've been good but have lacked in faith; screwed either way. See Also Indifference